When a Child Refuses to Go to the Other Parent's Home

Few things are harder after a separation than a child who will not go to the other parent's home. The parent who is being refused may feel shut out, while the parent at the door may feel caught between a court order and a child in distress.

BC law does not treat every refusal the same way. This article explains how the Family Law Act approaches a child's resistance, what each parent should and should not do, and when it makes sense to ask the court for help.

Why children refuse, and why the reason matters

Children resist parenting time for many reasons. Some are ordinary: a teenager wants to be with friends, a younger child dislikes a change in routine, or the other home has new rules or a new partner. Others are more serious, such as harsh parenting, conflict between the adults, or family violence. Sometimes a child is aligned with one parent because of what they have heard or seen during the separation.

The reason drives everything that follows. A court asked to deal with a refusal will want to understand why it is happening before deciding what to do about it, and the right response for a reluctant ten-year-old is very different from the right response for a frightened one.

The child's views count, but they do not decide

Under section 37 of the Family Law Act, every decision about parenting arrangements must be made in the child's best interests only. The child's views are one factor the court must consider, unless it would be inappropriate to consider them. Other factors include the child's health and emotional well-being, the strength of the child's relationships, the history of care, stability, and the impact of any family violence.

There is no age in BC at which a child simply gets to choose. Older children's views usually carry more weight, but a court still looks at the whole picture. Our article on whether a child can choose which parent to live with explains this in more detail.

If you are the parent whose time is being refused

It is natural to want to insist, but how you respond now may matter later.

• Keep showing up at the agreed times, or confirm in writing that you are ready, so it is clear you are exercising your time.
• Stay calm with your child. Pressure, guilt or arguments at the door tend to make refusal worse.
• Keep a factual record of dates, what was said, and how exchanges went.
• Look at your own part. If your child has raised specific concerns about your home, take them seriously and consider counselling or other support.

If you stop exercising your time altogether, that can have consequences of its own. Section 63 lets the court make orders against a person who repeatedly fails to exercise parenting time.

If you are the parent at the door

An order or agreement for parenting time binds both parents. A child's reluctance on its own is not one of the specific situations listed in section 62, so it is wise to be able to show that you supported the visit rather than simply passing on the child's wishes. That means encouraging the child, preparing them for the visit, and avoiding comments that make the other home seem unsafe or unwelcome.

If you genuinely believe a visit would put your child at risk, that is different. Section 62 lists situations in which withholding parenting time is not wrongful, including where the guardian reasonably believed the child might suffer family violence, or the other parent was impaired by drugs or alcohol at the time. The court can also accept other circumstances it considers sufficient justification. Get advice quickly in that situation, because a reasonable belief needs to be explainable and you may need a protective or changed order.

When refusal becomes wrongful denial

Under section 61, a person entitled to parenting time or contact under an agreement or order can apply if they have been wrongfully denied that time by a guardian. The application must be made within 12 months after the denial. If the court finds the denial was wrongful, it can order things such as:

• family dispute resolution or counselling, including for the child,
• compensatory parenting time,
• reimbursement of expenses caused by the denial,
• supervised exchanges, and
• in some cases, a payment or a fine of up to $5,000.

In a refusal case, what the parent at the door actually did to support the visit may matter to whether a missed visit is found to be wrongful. Our article on enforcing parenting time that is being withheld covers the enforcement process.

Getting an independent picture

In refusal cases, each parent often has a sincere but very different account of why the child will not go. Section 211 allows the court to appoint a family justice counsellor, social worker or other approved person to assess the child's needs, the child's views, and each party's ability and willingness to meet those needs. The assessor prepares a report for the court and the parties. The Province's Family Justice Services Division has report writers who prepare court-ordered section 211 reports, including shorter views of the child reports and fuller assessments. Section 202 also lets the court give directions about how a child's evidence is received.

A privately prepared report can be expensive, and any report takes time, but it is often the clearest way to understand what is behind a refusal and what kind of help, such as counselling, the family needs.

Changing the arrangement

If the situation has really changed, either parent can ask the court to change, suspend or end a parenting order under section 47, based on a change in the child's needs or circumstances. That might mean a gradual return to parenting time, a different schedule for an older child, or a period of supervised or therapeutic contact. The focus throughout is the child's best interests, not which parent is at fault.

Facing a child's refusal? Talk through your options early

Our family lawyers can review your parenting order or agreement, help you respond to a refusal in a way that protects your child and your position, and advise on reports, enforcement and changes to the arrangement.

Call 604-259-2844 or send us a message to arrange a consultation at our Vancouver office.